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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

STUPID THINGS

Young woman,
Gesticulate wildly,
Making shapes
With both hands

Speak loudly
To yourself,
Turn your sounds
Into sight

Young woman
It's important,
Say proudly
It's a fright

Both Arms lifted,
In the air,
Ear cradles phone
While you drive

Young woman,
Foot of lead,
Through the lot
Deaf to screams

Eyes and mirror
Locked in place,
Download a ring tone
For your cell

Friday, August 04, 2006

A.D.H.

She stands on the end of
The high dive
Pompadour ratted-up tight
Suit sewn on
Clinging to her ample figure
Friend to Esther Williams
Daughter of the sea and
Offspring of a World Champion Lady Angler

She smiles standing there
At the end of the board
Gleaming white teeth
Fire red lips, arched brows
Gingham stretched tight
No longer the tomboy
But a glamour girl, athlete
Diver, Southern California Tuna Club

The photographer leers
Through his lens
“Where’s the fire, Red?”
He says to bring life
To the auburn-haired Venus
He guesses it's nervousness but
She’s heard it before from
Those who mistake beauty for stupidity

Her mind flashes on chewing tar
Lobster caught through the cabin floor
Life on her father’s yacht landing
While the house was built
She remembers the freckles
The ugly, pouting child
The one dressed as a boy
Because that’s what father
Really wanted

The flash bulb ignites and she’s captured
Forever entombed in a bathing suit on the edge
Hands on hips she comforts her smooth one-piece
And she says, “Thank you”
“Sure, A.D.H.”
“Who?” she replies
“A.D.H. - Adorable Dot Hopton,
My Favorite redhead, of course.”
COUNTING SHEETS

The toilet paper feels so good against my cheek. I am the perfect height to sit on the toilet and rest my head on the roll, as long as it is in the traditional and standard wall mounted holder. I am not exactly short but rather, a man expressed in the form of a haiku. Some of the most profound REM sleep I have experienced and many of my best ideas have come to me during these Scat Naps.

I take these siestas often, whenever I have the chance and only if the toilet-to-paper height ratio is correct. For this to work, the roll must be shoulder level when I am seated. I used to worry if using a waxy paper seat condom would disturb the fine harmony of the ratio but now I have learned through many hours of meticulous experimentation that the relative thinness of these covers is such that it does not effect my position and/or overall height as I snooze.

Another requirement is that the toilet paper must be two-ply and made to be fairly absorbent to provide the correct balance of cushion and firmness. The better homes, restaurants and corporate business centers use the finer grades of paper but frustratingly enough, design every possibility of clever, hip and unique ways to dispense the paper foregoing the wall mount, thereby obliterating the chance of a good, five minute drowse.

In fact, as the years go by, I am beginning to realize that the perfectly utilitarian configuration and design I have previously described is beginning to altogether disappear. This alone is discouraging to me and is just another good reason to stay home.


Copyright 2006 J.Camp