COUNTING SHEETS

The toilet paper feels so good against my cheek. I am the perfect height to sit on the toilet and rest my head on the roll, as long as it is in the traditional and standard wall mounted holder. I am not exactly short but rather, a man expressed in the form of a haiku. Some of the most profound REM sleep I have experienced and many of my best ideas have come to me during these Scat Naps.

I take these siestas often, whenever I have the chance and only if the toilet-to-paper height ratio is correct. For this to work, the roll must be shoulder level when I am seated. I used to worry if using a waxy paper seat condom would disturb the fine harmony of the ratio but now I have learned through many hours of meticulous experimentation that the relative thinness of these covers is such that it does not effect my position and/or overall height as I snooze.

Another requirement is that the toilet paper must be two-ply and made to be fairly absorbent to provide the correct balance of cushion and firmness. The better homes, restaurants and corporate business centers use the finer grades of paper but frustratingly enough, design every possibility of clever, hip and unique ways to dispense the paper foregoing the wall mount, thereby obliterating the chance of a good, five minute drowse.

In fact, as the years go by, I am beginning to realize that the perfectly utilitarian configuration and design I have previously described is beginning to altogether disappear. This alone is discouraging to me and is just another good reason to stay home.


Copyright 2006 J.Camp